Memories

I can’t explain the loss I feel when I see you in my mind. I can’t describe the loss I have or the emptiness inside.

So many memories from so many days gone by, and yet you are not here to share in the delight.

We were not always near and sometimes even years had passed before we hugged again, yet we always knew that we were sisters in the end.

I can’t see you in my tomorrows, but I will treasure our yesterdays.

 

~In memory of Lisa~

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Missing you

My Darlings who are so far away, I miss and think of you everyday. Your little hands I used to hold your precious laughs take away the cold. Yesterday may be gone and time can move so fast, understand though that for you my love will always last.

Just yesterday it seems since I held your hands, but life doesn’t always follow the plans. Your happiness is all I wish to see and in the end when all is said and done I hope you know I did what sometimes painfully must be done……

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To My Husband

When the night is darkest and it has been my longest day, you are the light that helps me find my way. The strength you have shown me and tenderness you give are what makes my life so much easier to live. I wish for you life’s happiness and all the kindness that can be found, for no more is your path a lonely one that walks on solitary ground. My hand I give to you when feel you can not walk on, my heart I give to you when you feel that all is gone. Life has shown us travesty’s and pain no one deserves but in that pain we found a strength that no man can bring undone.

I love you Mark and I hope you have a wonderful birthday and I look forward to spending many many more with you!

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Today

Today I will walk away and forget the pain you burdened me with for so many years. For years you asked me what was wrong, and for so many years I didn’t know either. But, now I realize I was always striving for that impossibly high bar you set, and just when my fingers reached it you would raise it ever higher. What was wrong with me, was that you never protected me, you never said “It’s ok I love you just as you are”, and when I tell you this is the reason, this is what is wrong, you say I never let you. Well my job was not to let you my job was to be a child. If children had their way parents would never put out any stops. When you felt the job wasn’t worth your time anymore, you decided to have the state pick up the slack. Do you have any Idea what it’s like to be a child who feels alone and forgotten. Locked in a room, far away from home a child who feels like the world is looking at her like some tainted soul. I was locked up with murders, and armed robbers, There we’re girls I new well who, started fire’s that accidentally killed people inside, and for what? Because you couldn’t deal with me? Because you washed your hands of actually being a parent to me?
I have spent years hating myself because you told me I wasn’t quite right. For years you tried to convince that I must have some “mental issue” that prevents me from being normal. But I know different now. I know that to be normal is to be different, to stand up for what I believe and to stand up for how I feel, different is normal it’s what makes the world the place it is. For years you blamed me for not being the parent you should have been, and the only time you said you were sorry was in a flurry of drunken tears. You asked me to be honest and when I was, then you told me I was wrong. When I wanted to be and express myself, you looked at me through disapproving eyes. I spent my life looking for your approval. Well today I won’t do that anymore.

You asked me to trust you, but never gave me a reason to. You asked me to be there for you and tend to your feelings, well I’m your child that’s not my job. You say you love me, but your actions say you only love me if…. I may have been a difficult teen, but I was not as difficult as some have been. I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t drink, I wasn’t a horrible person. Just a young person trying to deal with her feelings.

Today I refuse to allow you to have that control over me. I will no longer hope for you to see me for the person I am. I will love myself, I have so much to give. I will not parent my child without the same guilt tactics that you used on me for so many years. I will instead encourage my child to identify his feelings and be ok with them. I will encourage him to stand up for what he feels is right, and I will tell him he doesn’t have to work to please me, because honestly I’m pleased with all my children being just who they are. I don’t expect them to be anything other than who they are.
Today I am strong, and I will live my life in the manner in which I choose, today I will not compromise who I am to bend to your or anybody else’s will. I may have walked the road alone for quite a while, but I know now that I am worthy of love, that the worth of my life is not the value which you put on it.

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The Contridiction

You told me that you loved me, but then you turned away; you taught me that what I felt was important then you would not listen to what I had to say.

Years I spent trying to define, whose fault it was & all the while it made no reason and I only pretended better with time. Feelings are okay you say and yes you can cry, but when I tried to truly feel you didn’t understand why.

I never meant to cause pain only to understand, yet somehow still I’m caught up in this madness that only you seem to be able to follow.

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Day Dreams

A raging darkness creeping up on me, Pushing back I can barely fight, grasping upwards pulling at the light. The movement I can feel, is it my imagination or is it just not real. Take away this anger make it a small part me, take away the pain I feel let me not be blinded by what it is.
The deafening sound of silence blasting in at me, unable to express the pain that bleeds forth. I want to feel the grass between my toes the sunshine on my face, and feel the warmth of your laughter in it’s grace.
Dancing in the grove the light’s sparkle shimmering from the sky. The stars in the sky the moon in it’s wonder lends a certain solace to the night air. This is where my happiness in all it’s wonder lies. Does this place exist or is it something that only is a fleeting image in my mind.
I want to dance in the moonlight to feel the innocence that it is. Why can’t that simplicity be mine?

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Noteworthy

Some might think it funny, others may think it’s sad, but I often wonder if the life I’ve been given is only one I’m worthy to have had.

When lifeless branches shiver in the cold the darker side of night seems to keep its hold. Sometimes it’s good and only for a while can I laugh and feel the warm smile. But most times fractured and fatigued is the only thing I know and a tear will pass my cheeks then I have say my gods will it ever go.

Some say your life is what you make others think it’s what you take. I believe that there must something or someone paving out my destiny. The road trod is not the one I would have chosen these webs could not have woven by my own two hands.

What can life become when as you go you grow less numb and unable to deal with pain and sorrow you feel? How can I look for tomorrow when I struggle just through the today?

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To Speak

Today I spoke and you did not hear, the words that would only make the thoughts clear. How do you live with what you know, how do you keep reaping the pain you sow. I only knew that once I was lost and you were in the darkness so. The fears I felt, and words you did not say. Unbroken silence bound by years and time, thoughtless shadows help with no reason or rhyme. Can you see what is me can you let me not be free. If I wander far away does it not lead your lips to let go and just say. Hindered by the things you know seeking answers in only things that will not answer. See me, see what I have become, let go the things that cannot be undone.

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In Dark Nights

In my darkest night, I turn and see that what was once nothing is now you and me. Laughter in my day’s and the warmth on dark cold nights, you have made all things wrong somehow almost right. I never dared to dream that smile that you give, the kindness and your loving me make’s life so worth to live. If the gods had made you no better they could do, for my love you are perfect just being you.

When the road gets rough and we find we stumble on our way, there is no one more with whom I would rather get that way. When your feeling down and it just isn’t your day look to me my love and for a while I will lead the way.

 

 

For my husband, who is and will forever be my inspiration.

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The Voice

Today I heard a whisper, it spoke of anger and mistrust, today I heard a whisper by a voice the sounded of hate and lust. The wind’s will blow and hold tale’s of time’s gone by, of memories of yesterday of countless fears. Walking in the shadows, through the void of time, wandering a painful walk painted by color’s dark. Can you hear the whisper the voice it calls to you it calls the mighty, and giant’s they will fall too. Through mountains and valleys and hills of snow and rain, over the tree top’s the power it might gain. Holding on so tightly, it could take a might blow, and where it may be ending only ever you will know.
Today I heard a whisper and it angered me to say, that it would never end it would continue on its way. Today I heard a whisper, and looked on in a daze, for in the whisper I could here the Angels as they cried. Running I took flight, the voice I could not hear, for if I listened long enough I might drown in the fear. Many will never know what shape it took to me for even if you lingered you could never see. A lonely wandering child I might always be for this voice will forever haunt me.

 

 

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